* The show started with a new face in LARIAT, F. Brocious Cartwright, standing at the Interview Station with a Cheshire Cat grin plastered across the length of his face. He was dressed in an all white suit capped off with a white cowboy hat, and if you’d ever watched an episode of the Dukes of Hazard you could see the influence of Sorrel Booke all over this one. F.B.’s cheeks were red, he was a bit overweight, and as LARIAT would soon find out, he could be a bit huffy and puffy when he needed to be:
“Now listen here! All you boys who think you’re the top dogs here in LARIAT is officially put on notice! Y’see, I’m here for one thing and one thing only: GOLD! That’s right, so me an’ mah boys’re gonna be gunnin’ fer every belt that LARIAT sanctions, and every belt from every other place that’s got the good sense enough to bring me an’ mah boys in to work!
An speakin’ of mah boys…”
Two very large men stepped onto the screen on either side of Cartwright. Both of them had the look of monstrous confidence that comes with that size and power.
“May I introduce to you two of mah boys: To mah right, standing at 6’4” and weighin’ in at almost two-hundred and sixty pounds, Alex Graves! And to mah left, standing at 6’7” and weighin’ two hundred an’ eighty-five pounds, Black Jack Savage! Ladies an gen’lemen, I give you the next Texas Heritage Tag Team Champions: The Nightmare Express!"
Cartwright led his men off of the set, patting them on the backs and going on about how they were going to destroy the Tag Team division.
* The opening match of the night was a traditional Trios styled match. Lucha tag rules were in effect, meaning that a wrestler need only leave the ring to constitute a tag. Thom “Roughhouse” Rhodes led his tecnico team of Mat Byre and Tim Van Pelt against the rudo team of Darren “DQ” Quimbey, Jaret Haskeer, and team captain “Big Time” Tavares Bayle.
The match was fast-paced throughout, and only slowed for a couple of comedy spots, the most notable of which being a five-man chain if head-scissors that ended with Tavares Bayle grabbed Matt Byre’s exposed legs and turned him, and everyone else, over into a Boston Crab.
The match ended in what could easily be described as the High Spot of the Night when the tecnico team had Darren Quimbey singled out inside the ring. Thom Rhodes lifted him up and over with a wheelbarrow suplex into a Lung Blower from Byre. Byre held on while Tim Van Pelt came off the top rope with a beautiful 450 Splash onto the prone Quimbey. Rhodes made the cover as his partners held the Haskeer and Bayle at bay.
* The Lonestar Television Champion, Rich Mahogany, was in his private dressing room backstage. He’d had a metal tub brought in, along with three stools and a case of baby oil. The segment started with a tight close-up of The Ladies Man. He was all smiles and mirrored sunglasses. The camera panned out to reveal the Champion standing in the tub, bare-asssed naked except for the TV Title that was conveniently placed to keep the FCC from shutting the broadcast down. On the stools were three of The Ladies, all armed with bottles of baby-oil and squirting it down at Rich like a shower. It was gross, and creepy.
“Ain’t no doubt about it, brother, The Love Machine is IN DA HOUSE! And speaking of the house, Rich Mahogany likes to play house! Also: Doctor. Actually, scratch house Rich prefers to play Doctor with his sexy nurses! MOVING RIGHT ALONG!”
It would have been about this time that Missouri Valley Wrestling’s Trailer Park Barbi walked into the scene. Barbi had traded in her usual tube-top and micro-skirt for a shirt tied off very high under her breasts and a pair of cut-off white-washed jeans shorts that were just barely long enough to have holes worn in the bottom creases of her ass-cheeks. TPB commenced to rubbing the baby-oil into Rich’s perfectly chiseled abs and pectorals.
“Barbi! I’m so glad you could make it! Listen her Ladies and, well, Ladies… I want to introduce you to my new favorite floozy, you know her from MVW, I know her from a closet in an abandoned old-folks home, TRAILER PARK BARBI!”
The scene continued, but Rich never got around to mentioning LARIAT, his match later on in the evening, or even wrestling in general for that matter. This was an excuse for him to lather up in front of a Television audience, and it worked.
* The next match of the night saw the debuting Nightmare Express take on everybody’s favorite Backyard Heroes the Pine Street Posse. The Posse, as has been their M.O. since LARIAT’s inception, tried to start the match fast and get an exciting pace going. This didn’t happen, though, as Black Jack Savage took away any and all momentum that the PSP would have with one huge STO that nearly sent Suicidal Youth through the ring! After that it became less of a match and more of an athletic exhibition for Savage and Alex Graves. Graves lifted the much larger Rod Fantastico and drilled him with his Grave Digger (Emerald Fusion) finisher to end the match.
* On-screen were several still-shots of wrestling action, cycling by too fast to really get an eye on who was doing what, exactly. Several sets of tag title belts could be seen if you were paying close attention. Finally the montage stopped with a glimmering picture of the Texas Heritage Tag Team titles. An off-screen voice made a declaration:
“Coming to a LARIAT ring on September 5th, the Symbols of Tag Team Wrestling in America. Consider this a challenge ACCEPTED!”
* The Osaka Hate Crime were out to the ring next led by Kazuo Akamatsu. Yahagi and Tendo had their title belts wrapped securely around their wastes as they paced inside the ring while Akamatsu retrieved a microphone.
“This is what we get? The Osaka Hate Crime runs roughshod over the LARIAT tag teams and offer a shot to any team on the planet and we get patronized by an ominous voice? UNACCEPTABLE!
Speaking of unacceptable, my opponent tonight hasn’t won a match in over a year, let alone inside of a LARIAT wrestling ring, and he is to be REWARDED with a trip to Canada to compete in a prestigious tournament? THIS DISRESPECT WILL NOT GO UNPUNISHED!"
* Erik Ledger was out to the ring relatively quickly after mention of his name. He was in a foul enough mood with his current losing streak, and the last thing he felt like he needed was to listen to some loud-mouthed tourist run his mouth about respect. Ledger slid under the bottom rope and popped up immediately into Kazuo’s face. Yahagi and Tendo didn’t take very kindly to this and they jumped in front of their leader, but Akamatsu waved them off before thumbing Ledger in the eye to get the match underway.
The bell was rung and Akamatsu took it to “The Epitome,” showcasing the skills taught to him in Japan under the tutelage of the legend Kazuma Fujita. Ledger caught a break when Kazuo stopped focusing on the match and began to spend time berating him and mocking the fans in attendance.
Ledger gained several near-falls, most notably after hitting his Jersey Turnpike (Sunset Piledriver) finisher on Akamatsu, but he made the cover too close to the ropes and Mitsuru Yahagi pulled Akamatsu’s foot underneath the bottom rope to break up the pin attempt.
Ledger didn’t take too kindly to this and he popped up, hooked the top rope, and launched himself up and over with a plancha that took out the Tag Team Champions, but as he rolled into the ring Akamatsu had recovered and went on the attack. The end came when Akamatsu caught Ledger on his shoulders and drilled him with Go 2 Sleep and then covered him for the victory.
After the match Yutaka Tendo and Mitsuru Yahagi joined Akamatsu in the ring for a celebration and the obligatory post-match shenanigans where the continued the assault on Ledger.
* Backstage Dusty Griffith and Wyatt Bronson share a locker room. Dusty wraps a final bit of tape around his wrists as Wyatt pulls on his chaps as they make the last preparations for their tag team match with Rich Mahogany and Frank Dylan James.
Dusty: You ready to do this?
Wyatt: *grunting* MmmHmph. You just keep that big bastard Frank outta mah way while ah tear Mahogany in half…
Dusty: You bet’cha.
Wyatt: Let’s go.
Bronson put his signature Stetson hat on his big Texas head and the duo left their dressing room prepared for war.
* “Stranglehold” played and Frank Dylan James was on his way to the ring. His usual demeanor of hooting and hollering was gone, the time for fun and games were through for the Redneck Rampage until he had the Pride of Texas Heavyweight Title in his possession. He plodded bare-foot down to the ring where he circled it, eyeballing fans and intimidating ringside attendants until his partner’s music played.
Rich Mahogany was out next, followed by MVW’s Trailer Park Barbi. Rich did his general spiel, gyrating for The Ladies and stealing kisses wherever he could. This didn’t sit especially well with TPB, but aside from glaring at those women that Rich took kisses from she paid it no heed. The two walked hand in baby-oil-soaked hand to the ring where Rich climbed in, making it a point to hump the middle rope as he stepped through.
ZZ Top’s “La Grange” played out Griffith and Bronson, and the duo wasted no time as they made a bee-line to the ring and slid under the ropes. The bell was rung and the match was on as Frank and Dusty picked up where they left off last week, swinging wild punches and chops at eachother with reckless abandon.
Mahogany, scared for his life, ducked out of the ring and squealed like a little girl as he took off running. Bronson followed him out and around the ring, chasing the TV Champion for everything he was worth until Rich found Trailer Park Barbi and jumped behind her. Wyatt stopped in his tracks, never daring to hit a lady, or a tramp for that matter, and Barbi quickly slapped Wyatt across the face causing the big Texan to get even madder. He grabbed her by the hair and put his finger in her face, yelling that she needed to “stay the hell in the back with the rest of the rats.” This was all the distraction that Rich needed for a perfectly placed eye-rake followed by a kick to the groin that the referee didn’t see because he was too busy trying to keep Dusty and Frank in some semblance of control.
Inside the ring Frank took the advantage and began pounding on his former partner, lighting him up with a punch/chop combo that would have put a normal man in a coma. Frank kept up the heat, while on the outside Rich took every cheap shot he could figure out to keep The Lonestar Lariat from eating him for lunch.
Bronson had had enough. He screamed in Mahogany’s face, sending bits of spittle and chewing tobacco into his face in a way that only the Texas crowd could laugh at. Rich again squealed like a girl and took off. He left Barbi to fend for herself as he ran up the aisle and into the back so fast he’d have won a medal in the Olympics. TPB, left with only her feminine wiles to protect her, immediately tried to turn on the charm and seduce the big grappler. Wyatt was non-plussed and he pie-faced her on his way into the ring to save his partner.
Barbi ran off to console her man and Wyatt rolled into the ring, turned Frank around, and flattened him with his Lonestar Lariat. He picked the Hillbilly Jesus up and gave him another out of frustration before dropping down and making the pinfall.
08/08/09 @ The Wrestle-Plex [268 fans]
1. Rhodes/Byre/Van Pelt def. Quimbey/Haskeer/Bayle (17:15)
2. Nightmare Express def. Pine Street Posse (7:49)
3. Kazuo Akamatsu def. Erik Ledger (12:12)
4. Dusty Griffith/Wyatt Bronson def. Frank Dylan James/Rich Mahogany (8:14)
